I Really Don't Know About Some People...

I'm watching Man vs. Wild. I don't know why I'm watching it. I just am.

Anyhow. The "man" is wandering through the Kenyan savanna searching for water and people. He's doing this to show us how to get out alive. You know, if we're ever in the Kenyan savanna and find ourselves lost.

He comes along this incredibly poisonous snake, which he tells us that once bitten, a person will die within 24 hours without medical treatment. Then, he picks up a stick and pokes the snake with it, saying, "I'm deliberately provoking the animal..."

Why do they do that? And in they, I mean the nature people that go around the world and intentionally pester animals to show the uneducated public what the animals can and will do. They all do it. They all find the most poisonous, most dangerous animal and poke it and prod it to get a reaction. I'm sorry, but that's stupid. And it is exactly why Steve Irwin died. He was bothering things he didn't need to be bothering and BAM! Nature took him out. Come on, people! Leave nature the f alone!

So, after trying to get bitten by this venomous snake, he's wandering through the savanna in search of water. But he can't find any that is clean enough to not kill him. He finds a stagnant pool of water with a dead turtle. He decides that he probably shouldn't drink that water (smart move, oh stupid one!). But he's so thirsty. He can't go on any longer.

To satisfy his thirst, he picks up some elephant poo and squeezes the juice out of it and into his mouth.

I nearly threw up my ENTIRE stomach. It was disgusting.

I don't understand why he did it. He's wandering around the savanna with a freakin' camera crew! It's not like he's alone. And it's a real crew. It's not just some guy with a steady cam. I am more than sure that the camera guy has a bottle of Evian to satifsy the guy's thirst. And after he drinks elephant poo juice, he comments that he probably just swallowed a lot of nasty bacteria. No shit, Sherlock.

During the night time, he's walking towards his intended destination of the mountains. He spots a lone elephant. And he tells the camera that he can't let the elephant see him or smell him. Why? He doesn't want the elephant to charge him because it is nighttime.

Call me crazy, but I think that an elephant charging a person at ANY time is not good. At night, you'll probably see less of yourself getting trampled to bits. And he'd totally trample you, dude. You were drinking his poo juice.

I can't get over that. I'm disturbed by this man's actions. As the sun rises, he sees the mountain is closer (because he's walked all night). He estimates that it is 10 miles away. "It's not that far!!"

This kid is delusional.

And now he's tearing into a dead zebra. He's actually biting pieces of meat OFF the zebra. Dude is eating raw zebra and spits a piece out because it's a "nasty bit." Because the kill is fresh and he doesn't want to end up dead beside the poor zebra, he cuts off a slab of zebra and shoves it into his pocket.

This man needs to be stopped.

He's taking precautions against mosquitos and malaria by burning a plant called Blackjack on the fire. I'm pretty sure that this guy has been vaccinated against malaria. Or if not, his camera crew will swoop in and get him to medical safety.

Elephant Poo Boy is now making a fire out of dried elephant dung. Man's got a problem. He's obsessed with elephant feces. And now he's going on about the fact that the fumes of elephant dung do not smell "nice." Really? I'd have imagined the smell of roses and wildflowers.

He finally finds a cabin in the mountain area and goes bebopping in to these people's house unannounced and uninvited. And you were worried about elephants charging you in the night? He's lost his marbles. His cheese has slid off his cracker and some marsupial in the savanna is feeding off it.

You know, I could see if you were really and truly lost in the Kenyan savanna, you might be desperate enough to eat raw zebra and drink from the juice of elephant poo. But this guy isn't really stranded! That's what's so disturbing. He's trying to show the audience how to survive in the savanna.

But I have a better idea. Don't get lost in the savanna. The end. It's not rocket science.