Me Without You

I wrote this poem in February 2004. And while I have thought about it many times over the years, it has become relevant to me again in recent months.

"Me Without You"

Nowhere to go, nowhere to hide
To hide, I can only retreat inside
Inside, I watch myself be strong
Strong, although I know its wrong
Wrong, because I'm not at fault.
At fault, at fault, who is to blame?
It's only salt --
Salt to our invisible wounds.
Wounds that sprung up overnight.
Overnight, they metastasize without the light
The light that shines at morning sun
Sun that never rises in our hearts --
What's done is done.
Done and gone, tick-tock, our time is gone.
Good-bye, good-bye, my weary heart wants rest.
Rest will not come until I pass the test.
The test, it looms in impatient waiting
Waiting for my spine to quit fading.
Fading, fading, fading fast
Fast, it's gone. This cannot last.
Last is final; final is through.
Through, we're through. It's me without you.

The End is Near

I completed my last class today as a college student. Once I finish the paper for that class (within the next 20 hours) and take four finals next week, I'll be a full-fledged graduate.

Kind of scary, isn't it?

Meet Schuba!

I am no longer the owner of a wonky laptop.

Well, Kip is technically still mine until I give him to my sister. So, I suppose I'm the owner of a wonky laptop and a completely unwonky laptop.

My dear parents were generous enough to bestow upon me a new laptop as a graduation present on account of the fact that I'm graduating in two weeks.

In two weeks, I'll have a Bachelor's degree in English. I'm not exactly sure of what I'm going to do with that degree.

But I have a pretty new laptop to help me figure things out.

Things I Dislike

1. My laptop, Kip. He is sharp shooting pain in my aorta. And sharp shooting pains in your aorta are not good. I'm currently typing this with a very dim screen. So dim that it hurts my eyes AND my aorta.

2. Kids that throw trash in the bed of my truck. I don't throw trash in your vehicle, now, do I? And if I find out who keeps using my truck as a trash receptacle, I'm going to set a trap to catch the perp.

3. Food that contaminates living beings. What the crap is up with the food contamination? First, my favorite peanut butter is targeted. And now my dog?! What did my dog ever do to deserve poisoning? A big fat nothing. Food is not supposed to kill you. Predators can kill their prey, though. Are we being killed off by some big bad predator? Hmmm... makes one think....

4. Gas prices. Next week, I'll have to sell my liver on the black market to fill up my gas tank.

5. School papers. I am so freakin' tired of writing papers. And since my laptop is being dumb, I have to write with a very dim screen, borrow a suitemate's laptop (which I hate doing), or spend hours on end in the library. Do you know what lurks in the library? Germs! Monster germs of death that try to kill me with the flu and all kinds of nasty diseases.

6. All University of Florida sports teams. If they win another thing, I will puke on my new shoes. They're a freakin' monopoly! Give someone else a chance, for crying out loud! You don't have to win everything to be considered great. It just overinflates your ego to the point of obnoxiousness.

7. Daylight Savings Time. It's dumb. I wish the days were all the same length all year long. I also find it rude to give someone an extra hour of sleep in the fall only to take away that hour in the spring. That's just bad manners.

8. Parents that don't take care of their children. You bring them into the world and you should take care of them. If you don't want to take care of them, then sign over your rights. You're just dead weight, pulling down your kid. And how rude is it to bring a child into the world anda not take care of the child? Like the kid can go out on Day 3 of Life and interview for a job.

9. Dumb people. People who behave without thinking or who behave selfishly irritate me. Think of your fellow man for once! You've got to share the world with other people, you know. Contrary to whatever your mommy told you, you are not the center of the universe.

10. Right now, I don't have a number 10. However, if you know me, you also know that given a short amount of time, I will find something else to dislike.

Ridiculousness of Unexplainable Varieties

In Sunday's paper, I found a wonderful coupon ($4.00) for Claritin-D. Since that seems to be the only thing that helps my allergies anymore, I clipped that sucker out and pocketed it for my next Walmart trip.

Fast forward to today and anticipated Walmart trip. I decide to spring for the more expensive 20 pack of Claritin-D since I have a wonderful coupon. I wait fairly patiently in line until my turn. Then, I step up to the counter, hand over my coupon, driver's license, and card detailing what medicine I want and wait some more. The lady pulls the Claritin-D off some shelf of medications they try to keep out of the hands of crazy meth addicts and begins to ring it up. She looks at my driver's license and realizes that it is out of state.

Earlier in the semester, they just typed in my driver's license number and I was able to get whatever medicine I needed. But not today.

Today, I am informed that because my driver's license doesn't have the compatible or proper bar code, I can't have the Claritin-D. They can't type in my information anymore. I am just screwed. I have to remain miserable and attempt to use inferior medications that lack proper ingredients.

So, basically, I'm being penalized for going to an out-of-state school. Isn't that ridiculous?

And speaking of school, I learned today that the graduate school I applied to had 185 applicants last year. Out of this amount, only 52 got in! That's 28%! There's no way I'm getting into that school, especially when I've spent my undergraduate years at a university that no one has ever heard of. And by some crazy chance I do get in, it will be an act of God. Then, I'll be obligated to go to Boston and attend school whether I really want to or not because obviously, God wants me there (hello! Act of God!). If I get in and decide not to go, I would basically be spitting in God's eye. And because God doesn't take too kindly to people spitting in His eye, He will smite me at His earliest convenience.

Oy vey.

Three Reasons Why I Hate the Housing Department

The Housing Department at my school are officially on my list. Right under JJ Abrams and Tom Cruise. Do you want to know why?

Of course you do.

Exhibit A - Malfunctioning fire alarm. Since returning to school for my final semester as an undergraduate, the fire alarm in my building has been malfunctioning. It likes to malfunction in the middle of the night, for some reason. The fire alarm has started to go off more and more frequently. People have come and looked at it and declared it fixed. And then, the fire alarm wakes us all up yet again.
Last night or early this morning, the fire alarm begins to wail its horrid sound. We stumble out into the lobby where the RAs tell us to go back to bed. We head back to our rooms. Once in our rooms, the fire alarm continues to blare for five minutes. Then, it stops abruptly. One second later, it is back on. It wails for about a minute and stops. And promptly starts back up again. It was on for at least ten minutes. This is ridiculous.

Exhibit B - "Save the resident. Save the world." The dumb housing department has decided that this awful line from Heroes will be the new slogan for the RA recruitment this spring. To emphasize their point, they have plastered the slogan everywhere. Sidewalks, message boards, bulletin boards, trees... it's ridiculous for two reasons. One, I hate the show and the very sight of the slogan makes me ill. Two, the slogan is retarded. "Save the resident. Save the world." What the crap does that mean? Let me tell you something, housing department. The RAs will have to save a whole dorm full of residents if the fire alarm doesn't get fixed. People have stopped evacuating the building when the fire alarm goes off. I know you've threatened us with a $250 fine if we don't exit the building, but people do not care. I suggest you spend your money more wisely by fixing the stupid fire alarm. Otherwise, you'll have so many residents to save and not enough people to do the saving.

Exhibit C - Battle of the Halls is coming up. I once participated in this somewhat fun event. However, to advertise for this year's event, the housing department is putting up flyers that say:

Someone may die. Ask your RA about B.O.T.H.

Someone may die? Who came up with this idea? It's horrible. Let's freak people out by announcing in ominous text that someone may die. Are there monkeys running the housing department at this university?

I suppose that's demeaning to the monkeys.

Snow!

They've canceled classes for tomorrow! Here's why:







This is the first time in all my years at college that they've canceled classes. This is freakin' awesome!

Seven Weeks

In seven weeks, I'm going to Boston! I can't believe it's almost time to pack my bags, board the plane, and fly far, far away! It's all so terribly exciting.

However, before the fun can begin, I have loads of stuff to finish. How's about a list?

Jan 31 - presentation over Cisneros, Fiction Writing
Feb 6 - presentation over structuralism, Literary Theory
Feb 12 - first draft due, Fiction Writing (at least 15 pages)
Feb 22 - casebook due, Literary Theory
Feb 19-23 - test 1, Systems of Grammar
Mar 2 - paper due, Brit Lit
Mar 6 - midterm, British Literature
Mar 9 - paper due, Sociolinguistics

This does not take into account all the reading and everyday class stuff. I don't know if I'll make it. I may end up in jail if someone doesn't fix the darn malfunctioning fire alarm. I mean, seriously. Does it take a rocket scientist to fix a fire alarm? It has gone off at least one night each week since school began. It likes to go off around 4:30 in the morning, usually. Such a dear, that old fire alarm.

Adventures Thus Far

In my three days of being at school, the following adventures have occurred:

1. Near drowning on the drive and moving in process. See previous post.

2. Near frostbite from walking around campus and town -- it's freakin' freezing, people! Any body part that is not wrapped in clothing (like one's face) quickly becomes cold and red within two seconds of stepping outdoors.

3. Heater in my suite stopped working. For the life of me, I cannot figure out why every major appliance I'm around keeps breaking. It was maybe 20 degrees outside. Thank God for best friends and down comforters!

4. Fire alarm and subsequent evacuation at 2:42 in the morning. Some idiot pulled the fire alarm this morning. I don't know if it was by accident or done as a joke, but it wasn't funny either way. I pull myself out of bed and into the foyer of my suite, where I realize that my baby freshman in the room next to me are not emerging from their room! So, I knock and open the door. Two little faces are staring at me in the dark: "What's going on??" "Can we go back to sleep?" No, you may not go back to sleep. Put your shoes on and grab your coat. We've got to go outside.

Thankfully, they didn't make us go outside. Did I mention it was 20 degrees outside?

5. Switched from one section of a class to another section. My department head comes into my British Literature class this morning, demanding that some of us take the afternoon class. I didn't want to take the afternoon class because I had my classes scheduled together (8-9:20, then 9:30-10:50). I also knew that the other section is set to read Mrs. Dalloway, a book I have no desire to read. I actually tried to read it once two or three years ago. It was not cool. Then, Mr. Department Head announced that if no one would leave voluntarily, he'd look at our schedules and move us all around willy-nilly.

Well, I couldn't have that. So, now I'm taking British Literature from 2:30-3:50. At least I don't have to be up at the crack of dawn in frigid temperatures anymore.

So far, five adventures in under 3 days. That's got to be a record or something.

Water Water Everywhere

It has rained for three days straight. Not piddly, slower-than-molasses rain. We're talking hard-core, windshield-wipers-on-high-forever rain. Rain so hard that you're sure your windshield will shatter because of the immense sheets of rain continuously splattering against it. Rain so hard that you fear your little windshield wipers will give out because they're working double overtime. In short, massive amounts of rain.

It has rained so much that the little cow pasture across the street from my building is now a lake. I've taken pictures because whenever this has happened in the past, no one ever believes me. This campus is a flood mecca. It floods and floods and floods at the tiniest drop of rain. It's ridiculous.





See? Ridiculous!!!

One of These Things Just Doesn't Belong Here....

Should the fact that Lindsay Lohan is attending AA meetings be a top news story?

Do you see it? Just after the real news story of a Pennsylvania teenager shooting himself at his school? Lohan says she's attending AA meetings

I just don't get it. I don't understand why it is a top news story. Aren't there bigger fish to fry? So, she's going to AA meetings. Big deal. Whoop-t-freakin'-do.

And, on a side note, who believes anything that child says? She says she's going. But is she really going? She also says she's been going for a year now and has been sober for one week. You have to go for a year before you can attain one week's sobriety? Whoa.

All I want for Christmas is a 4.0 average and less frivolity in the news-o-sphere. Thank you.

Jason Mraz is a Golden God!

I adore Jason Mraz. He released a new live album today called "Songs for Friends." It's amazing. Amazing!

Although I want to share with the world my love for the Mraz, I must admit that I began this post to share something else: how very tired my brain is. Last night, I was getting ready for bed. I reached in my top desk drawer for my chapstick. I popped off the lid and stuck the wonderful chapsticky goodness to my lips. Only then did I realize that I had picked up a glue stick! I attempted to apply glue to my lips! I didn't notice the larger size of the glue stick compared to the chapstick. No. I didn't notice that it was a glue stick until I could smell the glue because of its proximity to my top lip and, therefore, my nose! Is that not insane?

You know what else is insane? We have to formally check out for winter break. We've never had to do that before. Stupid people at this school. So, now, I can't just leave after my last final. I have to wait until my RA is available to check me out! I'm freaking 21 years old! I've been living in this school's dormitories for the past 5 semesters. I think I know what to do when leaving for Christmas break. Grr.

But remember: Jason Mraz is a golden god!

Almost Free!

I'm almost done! It's so very exciting that I can't even contain myself enough to write this last paper of death. Shall we have another list?

Dec. 8 - Brit Lit Paper due by 4pm
Dec. 11 - Young Adult Lit final @ 1pm
American Lit to 1865 take-home exam due
Dec. 14 - History of English Language final @8am
Brit Lit to 1800 final @ 10:30am
Jan. 5 - Emerson application due

The end! Isn't that wonderful? I'm ready for lots of sleep and ... well, lots of sleep.

Short Random Bursts of Randomness

It's raining anvils outside. There is not a speck of dry anything anywhere. It's ridiculous and I will not stand for it!

If this blog becomes quiet, it is because I have drowned in the torrential downfall that is rapidly swallowing my campus.

* * *
So, apparently, Tom Cruise kissed Katie Holmes for, like, ten years at their highly publicized, mock Italian wedding. And it was a mock wedding. They were married before they left the states. But I just want to point out that the reason the kiss lasted so long was because that was when Tom was officially sucking Katie's soul out of her body. She is now without a soul. She is a mindless drone, eager to follow Tom to the ends of the Earth.

You were so cute and fun on Dawson's Creek. Well, when Joey was with Dawson. I didn't care so much for Joey to be with Pacey. And I realize that as a girl you dreamed of marrying Tom Cruise. But was that really necessary? I dreamed of marrying Zach Morris, but you don't see me actually marrying him, do you?

* * *

My stupid school had a stupid program on Tuesday night entitled "Sex in the Dark." They kept putting up posters to advertise for it. There were "Sex in the Dark" posters everywhere. But it didn't tell you what the program was about. So, really, isn't that false advertisement? Because I would imagine that a program called "Sex in the Dark" would involve a gigantic orgy of college students, having sex in the dark. Right? Am I wrong in this?

Well, that's not what the program was about. I didn't go or anything. But I later found out what it was all about and it wasn't sex in the dark.

* * *

A car dealership in a small town near my small town has a little sign proclaiming that they have the cheapest prices from here to "Tin Buck To."

Really? Tin Buck To?

I don't know if it is meant to be a joke or if they really don't know how to spell Timbuktu. I kept meaning to take a picture of it when I was home but I always forgot. Tin Buck To.

I mean, seriously.

* * *

There's this O'Reilly's Auto Parts store in my college town. Their little sign encourages you to buy "O'Rielly's" gift cards for those hard-to-buy-for people. They misspelled their own name! And the name is on the sign in HUGE letters!

* * *

Britney Spears: could you please wear appropriate clothes at all times? I am glad that you're divoricing KFed, but couldn't you at least throw on some underpants before you go out partying with Paris Hilton?

And really, Britney? Paris Hilton? How different from KFed is she? Sure, she wears designer clothes, but she's kind of icky in her own way. She often gathers animals (dogs, monkeys, ferrets) and then, abandons them, much like KFed does with his own children. They're not very different, ol' Kevin and Paris.

Just something to think about.

Catch a Falling Star....

I didn't catch a falling star. I didn't even see a falling star.

I was so excited for the Leonids tonight. It has been years since I saw a meteor shower, and I just knew it would be awesome. But was it awesome? No. It was not awesome. And I'll tell you why.

Amanda and I bundled ourselves up and walked out to the darkest corner of campus to wait for the falling star action. We set ourselves down on the ground and turned our little heads to the sky.

Nothing.

Zip.

Nada.

Just two frozen kids in the dark for 45 minutes.

Pickles.

Things Are Gettin' Ugly

Tom Cruise is getting married this weekend. His last step before he formally tackles world domination. Don't say I didn't warn you.

* * *
I live in a dorm full of idiot children. They have decided to throw a Thanksgiving dinner on Thursday night. To advertise this, they've put up a big teal monstrosity with fake, spraypainted leaves that proclaims:
"John Smith
<3's
Pocahontas"

!

That is totally wrong. John Smith did not love Pocahontas. And they weren't involved in the first Thanksgiving. Pocahontas was dead by the first Thansgiving. This stupid sign only further emphasizes the fact that many children learn their "history" from Disney movies. It's tragic and I will not stand for it. I am boycotting Thanksgiving in the dorm setting this year. No Thanksgiving!

* * *
I have a boatload of crap to do in the next month or so. Let's make a list, shall we?

Nov. 17 - American Lit to 1865 exam
Nov. 20 - American Lit to 1865 essay due (800 words)
Nov. 20 - Thesis due for Young Adult Lit research paper
Nov. 22 - GRE at noon!
Nov. 27 - Modern American Lit essay due (500-750 words)
Dec. 02 - British Lit paper due (1800 words)
Dec. 04 - Young Adult research paper due (1800-2000 words)
Dec. 11 - Young Adult Lit final
Dec. 13 - History of the English Language final
Dec. 13 - British Lit final
Jan. 05 - Emerson application due!

Is that not a boatload of stuff? This doesn't take into account all the reading and regular, everyday school work I must do, or all the studying that needs to take place for the GRE.

Blah. Shoot me in the face.

Proof!

Remember this? Or this? Two tales of squirrels being rude and generally outlandish to me? And people laughed at me? Mocked my pain?

Well, there's proof that squirrels attack people. And the proof is right here: Mean Squirrel Attacks Pa. Letter Carrier.

Take that, naysayers and disbelievers! Squirrels are not cute and fluffy little friends. They are evil, disgusting rodents! They will attack you when you least expect it. Did you see the picture I took of the a squirrel staring down my friend? They are HOSTILE!

Don't say I didn't warn you.

Delicious Autumn and the Sidewalk of Death!

Today, I walked amongst the falling leaves and the changing trees of my campus.

I saw beautiful sights.




I even met a Scissortail Flycatcher!


I saw some more beautiful sights.




I met a threatening squirrel.


I saw some more beautimous trees.



And then, I spotted this wonderful Monarch butterfly!


I decided to chase Mr. Monarch, in hopes of attaining the perfect shot of the butterfly. But instead, I was attacked by the Sidewalk of Death!

The evil Sidewalk of Death! My greatest foe on campus. He's buckled and cracked like a freakin' fault line runs beneath him. He's always trying to trip me. I declare him a lawsuit waiting to happen. This picture does not due him justice in showing his true evilness. Beware of the Sidewalk of Death!

There Once Lived An Evil Child...

There once lived an evil child. She was so evil that she frightened her suitemates with her wild, evil behavior. Now, we shall see a scene from this horribly corrupt child's life.

Cast your mind. It's a relatively quiet evening in the suite, with three of its four occupants working on homework. The rooms to each individual room are open. Out of the silence, one of the girls in the second room blurts out, "Oh, no! I just deleted my paper!"

In the first room, this one particularly evil child jumps out of her chair and begins to laugh maniacally. She runs into the poor suitemate's room, laughing crazily and making a fool out of herself.

From the third room, the only child not working on homework has a look of horror on her face. "That is the meanest thing ever! What is wrong with you?!"

The evil child looks at her, stops laughing, mutters something about how the suitemate deserved it, and goes back to her room.

There you have it. A peep into the evil child's life. We know not the name of this evil child. We only know she's evil.

Words, Words, and More Words

I have to write a majillion and one things in the next three weeks. Or the next two. I don't know anymore. There's too much to remember... and to write.

I'm beginning to have a strong dislike of words, which is not good, seeing as how I want to go into publishing.

Do you want to know what I'm up against? Do you?

Sept 29 -- Brit Lit paper (approximately 1600 words)
Oct 4 -- Literary Analysis for Young Adult Lit.
Oct 6 -- American Lit to 1865 essay
Oct 20 -- Modern American Lit essay

This list does not take into account midterms and other tests that fall in between the papers. For instance,

Sept 29 - American Lit to 1865 test
Oct 9 - Young Adult Lit midterm
Oct 10 - History of English Language test
Oct 17 - Brit Lit midterm

This does not take in to account all the readings that I have to do between each class. I will not list them because I do not wish to have a heart attack at such a young age.