Letter to the Owner of a Maroon Eclipse

Dear Maroon Eclipse Owner,

If someone had told me earlier today that I would spend 45 minutes waiting behind you in your maroon Eclipse at the commercial window of the bank's drive-in, I would have cackled in their general direction. Who spends 45 minutes at a bank drive-in? No one! A bank drive-in is there to make things more convenient for the customers. You may have to wait ten minutes or so, but then you deposit your money and you're on your way. Easy peasy.

This was what I thought before I met you. No more! Because you felt the need to hoard your business deposits for the last three months, I was forced to sit behind you and wait for 45 minutes. And because of the people coming in and waiting behind me, I couldn't move and had to sit there for the entire 45 minutes. 45 minutes! It truly boggles the mind.

Truthfully, I didn't need those 45 minutes. It's not like I had anywhere I really needed to be. I wanted to get to a store before it closed and, thanks to your benevolence, I was able to get to the store with ten minutes to spare. So, no, I really didn't need that almost hour of my life that you stole.

Do you want to know what I did while exiled in my car for 45 minutes? I spent the time wondering what the hell you were doing and what your freakin' problem was. Thankfully, the bank employees told me that you are a fruitcake who doesn't make regular bank deposits. Of course, they didn't call you a fruitcake (that was one of my nicer words describing you), but they did tell me to get mad at you instead of them. Which leads me to a side note: lobbies of main bank branches should stay open until at least 5 p.m. Closing at 4 p.m. is stupid and ridiculous. Have freakin' regular business hours! You're the main branch of a fairly large bank. I KNOW you've got the money to stay open the extra hour. You're flippin' lazy. Why anyone does business with you I will never understand.

In any case, Maroon Eclipse Owner, I hope you enjoyed monopolizing the commercial window more than I enjoyed waiting on your stupidity to get the eff out of my way. Thank you, truly, from the bottom of my heart.

And, yes, that was my roommate that honked at you on the street.